Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Final Bill for Services

Being a mama in today's world can really make you feel bad. It doesn't build your resumee, it doesn't contribute to the economy or GDP, it doesn't help cover household costs, and no one really cares. And even people who believe in good parenting still can't help themselves--they still just wonder what you do with yourself all day long. That includes good friends, and even my husband. But in this age of farming out every household duty, it is getting easier to quantify how much a mama's services might be worth on the open market--if I were divided into a posse of people with diverse talents (mine, divided into a bunch of people) all specializing in what I specialize in. And here is what I would cost.

Nanny/Childcare services: Highest quality child care for two high energy boys provided by a white, educated woman with two masters degrees, CPR certification, and able to drive your child where he/she needs to go--offers discipline, nutrition, adventurous educational outings and unconditional love. $20/hr. 4 hours off a week. $95,160 per year

Personal Stylist/Shopper--provides excellent taste, advice, for daily wardrobe, helping you to dress like a pro for affordable prices. Will shop with you several times a year, providing in situ advice of the image you wish to present, dialogue and assessment: $2,000 annual retainer fee

Personal Chef: Shops and cooks delicious, nutritious meals of organic and locally grown food from scratch 6 nights a week for a family of four. Teaches family health benefits of food and provides interesting, up-to-date reading materials for family decision makers. Also makes lunches on weekdays and breakfasts several days a week. $350 a week/$18,200 annually

Occasional Clutterbuster Services: Comes in and clears out large, cluttered, disorganized spaces when needed. Buys affordable organizing furniture and boxes to help fight the constant battle against clutter. $2,000 annual retainer fees. Includes site visits and clearing, along with consulting and prioritizing advice, paired with psychological meaning of various cluttering and underlying mental blocks involved. Clutterbuster will personally rid household of items being purged, dropping them off at Goodwill or giving them away to charity organizations, and providing appropriate tax relief forms if relevant.

Personal Tutor: Provides one-on-one tutoring in-house to precocious kindergartener, using both constructivist and Reggio Emilio teaching methods. Tutoring utilizes both traditional learning methods and creative interpretations of classroom exercises that are fun, developmentally appropriate and teach the child to learn. Works on reading, building, and an invidivual development plan tailored to your child's unique, and special needs. $50 an hour. Summers off. $9,000 annually.

Household business manager: In consultation with Jonathan Fernandez, writes checks, monitors financial expenditures, and pays bills for the Fernandez corporation. $100 per month. $5,200 annually.

Birthday Party Consultant: Provides fun party ideas, makes and sends creative, one-of-a-kind invitations and in-house catering for family birthday parties 4 X a year. $1,000

Mills Act Consultant: Gathers information, takes pictures, draws architectural renderings, files and follows Mills Act application through city bureaucracy to save household thousands of dollars annually in property taxes. Follow-up with any bureaucratic snafus. $3,000 one-time fee.

Schools Consultant: Works with family to visit schools, share knowledge, to discern which school and teaching method would work best for children of the household. Involves financial analysis, observation of children, and visititation of 5-10 campuses around Los Angeles, to be set up by said consultant. Parents may attend if they wish, or consultant can do rundown. Consultant also files applications for magnets, charters, public schools that require documentation. $500

Spiritual Advisor: Provides spiritual and soulful spaces for contemplation. Services Free.

Spousal Therapy and Coaching: Provides ongoing encouragement and iteration of goals, both professional and personal, with occasional day-long retreats to assess progress and form new goals. Therapist is an endless cheerleader and on-call 24-7 for balancing, support, new perspective, talking off the ledge. Normally charges $50 per half hour, but discount offered for friend and lover. $200 week. $10,400, plus extra for all-day retreats.

Catering for in-house dinner parties and family holiday dinners: Serves high-quality dinners in magical surroundings with appetizers, dessert, fine wines and interesting conversation. $200 per dinner, minimum of 10 per year. $2,000.

Chess Enrichment Courses: Hour-long chess games once a week, and access and interactions with certified chess teachers around the city on a part-time basis. $200 per 12-week course. Twice annually. $400.

TOTAL ANNUAL SALARY: 148,860

Sexual Services Also Provided upon request if household manager finds head of household attractive. These fees cannot be posted here for legal reasons, but a large discount is offered if love is involved.

2 comments:

jecca said...

Oh dear, the birthday parties seem expensive. Are discounts offered for close relatives?

Ilaria said...

this is how much it costs in los angeles! i swear! my prices are cheap! you should shop around...