Yes! I'm a Mom! And Trying to be Proud of It..."

A famous dad from our school recently made this video about the Larchmont Schools: You Tube: YouTube - LarchmontCharterWeHo's Channel

I love it.

Of all the snippets woven together, the part that makes me weep every time are the immigrant parents saying what they want for their kids, and why they are grateful. Their need is so raw and naked. They all speak English, but for this, they spoke in their native tongue (with subtitles) and it felt more powerful.

One of the mothers who speaks is the mother of Theo's best friend, Stephen, a truly great kid. I don't know the exact situation, but I do know that his father has returned to Korea and is NOT in the picture, and that he means the world to his mother. I know that he is smart, kind, amazing and beloved.

In one email to her about many things (playdates, birthday parties) I told her I had seen her in the Larchmont video, she was great, and she is one awesome mama.

She was so happy I said she was a great mother. She picked that out of everything I wrote and took it as the highest possible praise. It meant the world to her. That was obvious.

And I was jealous. I was jealous that she could take my comment at face value and it brought her joy. I have been so warped by my Wellesley education, by 21st century America, by rebellion against my father, and by American social values, that if/when someone says I am a great mother (it has happened...) I feel a flurry of emotions.

I feel suspicious. Are they saying I am lazy, and I am so lucky to be able to stay home with my kids and my husband must really spoil me rotten? Are they saying, must be nice? Are they saying, it is so nice you can do that, but I can't believe you are not working? Where is your self-esteem? Are they saying, OH...you are one of those scary mothers who once worked but now focuses all her insane over-educated mother energy on raising her kids and makes everyone else feel really bad about themselves? Are they saying, how self-indulgent..to just mother full-time? Are they saying, I can't believe you don't work...

Never, ever, do I consider that maybe they just mean it at face value.

And I cannot accept it as that. My own feelings about motherhood are far too conflicted.

And yet, the truth is, I do care about being a good mother. I do believe it is one of the most important things I will do. When I tell another woman she is a good mother I mean it deeply and sincerely. I see the effect on her child and I am amazed and awed. I want to be a good mother.

But the very word "mother" has been so demonized, so polarizing, so contaminated, I am scared of it.

And so, when Stephen's mother responded so simply, I was moved, and wanted to be like her. I wanted to simply acknowledge without shame that being a good mother is a priority for me. I do not hate it, or feel put upon by it. Having children is absolutely one of the greatest joys of my life.

I think it matters, and I can see it in my children. But I do not feel valued by society. And that affects me, as much as I try not to let it.

I envied her clarity, her sense of self-worth, her lack of conflict about the whole motherhood issue.

Sad. But true.