My Body, Myself

I am 41 years old. I have the body of an athlete. I am strong, so strong. I am strong like a man and I can walk and run and swim forever. My head has often been weak. My mother told me when I was young, in a moment of despair, that I am all nerves, that I lack a skin, because everything affects me, good and bad. She told me life would be hard for me. That I would have to grow a skin, or I quite simply, would not survive. I have, sort of. I have taken jobs that force me to be stronger, tougher, and more resilient, but value my emotions and empathy as well. Journalism is perfect. And I have been blessed with friends who love my passions, and my emotions. But whatever my mind did, whenever it freaked out or looped, or grew anxious or sad or euphoric, my body always, always came through. It was my steady, reliable, never-failing thing.
And I have pushed it so hard.
And now, at 41, I wonder if it is breaking down. I had an abnormal pap smear--that will probably turn out to be fine, and a breast mammogram and ultrasound that were slightly abnormal, and need follow up. Doctors assure me the chances of anything being wrong are slight, but the tests go on and on and on. And in the end, I will probably not get full clearance--just an admonition to keep an eye on it.
My grandmother on my father's side, who I am most like, died at 54.
I don't want to die.
And I don't want to spend all my new found free time in doctor's offices.
Natalie's death has left me haunted, and scared.
I have had so much. If I did die now I would have been one of the luckiest people.
But I feel like I still have so much left to do.
I guess everyone does.
I guess my mind and body have to switch roles now. Just as my body came through before, as I drove it and drove it and lived on adrenaline for years at a time, now my mind will have to be tough.
I need to train it and calm it and not spread my anxiety to my boys and my husband.
I need to contain my fears because all of society is trained to play on those fears and it could ruin your life.
I need to be grateful for what I have, and fight for the rest.
I can do it.
But it is going to be hard.