Monday, November 10, 2008

Sadness

Jonathan just heard a two friends of ours are separated, and getting divorced. Worse yet, though we have seen them several times in recent months, he was horrified to find they had been living separately since summer. We do not know them well, but admire them a lot. We do not know the details, or even their relationship. We only know that they are two tremendous people with two beautiful girls in elementary school. We know that they both are civic minded and supremely talented and do great things for the world. And there is something haunting about a relationships like this going wrong. She told Jonathan there were no affairs, no violence, no crazy fights. It actually, she said, has gone quite smoothly. And that, for me, is what is most haunting of all. Violence, affairs, endless fighting--that you understand. It has to stop. It is dramatic. It is horrible. But the slow fizzle of a marriage is the saddest thing of all. Perhaps it is saddest because you can see how it happens. Partners are a little sloppy, a little less kind, a little less considerate, a little less loving over time. They do not treasure and savor and take care. And before long a coldness creeps in. Things are comfortable, but not good. And then it grows worse, until this thing becomes your life and you don't even know why you are together anymore. For me, this has always been the greatest fear. Not an affair, or a fight, but a slow, cold death to a great love. But for Jonathan I think this thing, happening to two people he really likes, is devastating. And we do need to take care, great care of our love, and our loved ones. Love is a fragile thing. So incredibly fragile. When it is strong you think it could never be threatened or grow weak. But it can. And it does. Slowly, so you don't even notice until it is gone.

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