Giving

When I worked, and actually had money, I gave almost nothing.

Not nothing. I gave when I was feeling good, or bad, on random occasions, to some particularly needy homeless person I could not resist, even knowing my money would probably go to a bottle of beer, or whiskey, or night train. Fine, I thought. This is all I can do at this moment.

I had a job that forced me to be in the world, to care about the world, to be a voice for the downtrodden--but that very job prevented me from giving to anything that could ever be perceived as political. And these days, that is pretty much everything. Plus, once you started, it was hard to figure out where the line was. So I just avoided it altogether. Probably just an easy excuse--ready made for me.

Now, I have little money, and I give way too much. Partially it is because a lot of people are in need now. Partially it is because I can. Even if I have little money, I have no job limitations. I can't get caught. I can express what I can express and give where I want to give -- with money. That feels good.

And maybe, I think, it is because not being a reporter strips you of your observer status. I am in it now. And I see how much every organization, every school, every library and social program needs money. I see how much I have, even if my life feels uncertain. And so here I am, with less money than I have ever had, giving more. And agreeing to fundraise-- for my preschoo, my elementary school, my Y, when I detest fundraising more than anything in the world. It is never much. But, I tell myself, it is what I can give. And it is something. And if everyone gives what I give to the five organizations or causes they love the most, then the world would be a thousand, million times better.

So I try.