Shifts

OK, notice to readers whose stomachs turn at the sight of vague, New Agey concepts. STOP READING HERE! DO NOT PROCEED!!!!!

All others, carry on.

I am writing this here half to remind myself, and half to share what I have learned.

I am cursed with high expectations of myself. Sure, I know this can lead to greatness. It can also lead to misery. Especially if the expectations are too high, too fast, or just unreachable. So in 2009 I tried to be like Obama. I tried to move forward on all fronts, in tiny steps. I tried not to judge myself daily on what I had NOT done, but rather to think what tiny thing I could do to move forward. No judgement. Only action. If I did not move forward I was not allowed to judge. The action did not have to be big. It could be infinitesimal. So tiny that no one but me knew. Imperceptible. Maybe writing the first line of a cover letter in my head. But it had to happen.

So I did that.

I would say from September on. Training for Alcatraz helped a lot, because there is nothing like training for an event to get you in that mindset. You do not have to be fast, do the best time ever, feel good when you wake up, but if you do not put in the time in the pool or the ocean you will not be strong enough to do the thing. And you will drown. Or be humiliated. So you just have to do it. Again, no judgement. For awhile there will be no effect. That is the hardest, dullest, most isolating period. But then the training kicks in and you KNOW you are getting better, faster, stronger. And suddenly your stroke is changing, you are powering through the water, you wake up CRAVING the water, the workout, like a crazy addiction.

So for me, one who is always at war with my own head--there are a lot of people in there and some of them are VERY judgemental!--quieting those voices and focusing on mental shifts and tiny actions was a huge thing.

And here is what I found. Sometimes a tiny tiny step in a different direction changed everything. Indeed, the change was so dramatic that sometimes it blew my mind.

I know I know, you want examples.

Writing. I dreaded the freelance life. The endless pitching, self promotion, waiting, bargaining. But I made myself do it. I called and called. One call every few days. I stayed on it. Tiny steps. I got my first freelance story (not for the L A Times--that does not count, and I will not support a paper right now that is breaking the back of journalists). Then I went to another dear friend. She is someone I admire deeply, profoundly, but though we are both journalists and she set me up with my husband, I never asked her for help. And sometimes I was hurt that she helped friends of mine, but never me. I was jealous. But I reached out and she responded with such warmth, enthusiasm and help I was blown away. Each of these things built to others. I have to stay on it--but I started to build momentum. I am at week four of training for a swim--but I just took a long weekend off and now I have to build back up again. (When I swam AAU when I was young our coach used to always say every day of missed practice is like losing a week of training. I am sure it was to scare us, but there is some truth to us)

Money. We do not have much to spare now. And I have weaknesses. Clothes. Books. Music. There is a lot of rationalization wrapped in each of those, but I knew if I could stop myself from buying so many clothes, so many books, so much music, it would help my family a lot. But I still wanted those things. Fashion, ideas and music make life great! So, there is Pandora. Endless great music and more fun than a million CDs. I use the library more. Not always the hit of a great day at the bookstore, but good for the checkbook, and I love libraries--even these days when they are filled with homeless people and security guards. I love that they exist, that someone came up with a place where everyone has access to knowledge and you can get it for free. But clothes. What to do? How to stop myself from darting into a store and making an impulse purchase. But everytime I was about to buy someone appeared to give me that thing. I am not kidding! From a winter jacket to cool new boots these things just appeared in my life through clothing swaps and friends. And beautiful! OK. I am not perfect here--but many of my impulses were curbed and I still got what I wanted and much dinero was saved. Leading to happier husband and better marriage. In short, a shift.

I know I know--this is all so gushy and hard to digest and not exactly scientific. But I can tell you--that these tiny shifts make a difference. Just pushing your boat off in a new direction--even if it is the weakest push ever from the dock--it will change your course. And once the wind picks up you will be sailing off in a beautiful new direction that you chose!

If you can stomach it, try it.

I will be trying, too. I will be trying to keep focusing on action, and silencing the critical voices that take up so much energy and get me exactly nowhere.

Which brings me to this: I am procrastinating. I must take some tiny actions!

Have you ever had this happen to you, dear readers?

Share!