Cool Tools

I wrote about this system of emotional learning when Theo started school and now Benji is learning it, too. This is the second time around, but I am still bowled over by its power, and relevance for older people, like me.

In this system kids learn about put-ups and put-downs. (Compliments and insults) They learn that it takes about five compliments to undo one well-aimed insult. (Because we all know the insults stay with you longer.) They learn that it is not just words that load what you say with emotion, but also HOW you say those words. What is the emotion behind the words. Is it HOT and RED? (fiery and angry) or cool and blue (calm and less emotional).

Seriously, I think every adult could benefit from a week of working with the cool tools. They could introduce this system to employers, CEOs, husbands, wives, therapists and teachers. The system could change the world.

But here is the funny thing. Yesterday we were reviewing how it works with Benji over dinner. Jonathan said, "What is an example of a put-up, Benji?" Benji couldn't think of one. Jonathan tried to give me one. "Wow, this is a really good dinner, Hilary." Even in the moment it sounded fake. Artificial. Obsequious.

Then Benji chimed in. "A put-down is, 'Stupidhead.'" Jonathan encouraged him to do a put-up again. But Benji was on a roll with the put-downs. "Mad-crazy!" "Dumb!" he shouted out. He would have kept going.

A few hours later I was sitting in a tiny chair for back to school night as his teacher explained the system.

"I decided not to reinforce the put-downs so I did not write any of those down," she said with a smile. Too late. They are locked in my son's brain. He loves his new vocabulary of put-downs. As for his put-ups, I still have not heard one come out of his mouth.

Isn't it funny what our brains hold onto? Is it just human nature? Is it so hard to compliment? Does it just feel dull and fake? Do insults just feel sharper, smarter and more creative? Or do the real compliments always go hand in hand with jealousy, making them so hard to say? Or is that just what we are afraid will happen-that they will be perceived that way? It is always hardest to compliment those we know well who are most like us. Those are already established greats, no problem. those who are safely below us, easy to give a kind word to. But what about those who need it most, just our friends and those we see every day, who need a lift or a kind word from those who know them best.

It made me wonder.

But to all of my readers, I just wanted to say: You rock! You really do!