Sprint to the Finish (Will I Make it?)

Warning: To my favorite readers under 10--this material may be inappropriate. But I will have a post soon JUST for YOU!

When I quit my job (almost) four years ago, I made a choice: I was leaving full employ to devote myself to my kids. So much has happened. And I have achieved so much that matters to no one but me. I have gained invaluable perspective, confidence, and I have stretched myself in ways that have no price.

In three days Benji will enter kindergarten and I will have two children in school. I know, I know--most people have their children in what amounts to full time school from the time they are three. But we chose our co-op with its limited hours and we have lived with old school (til noon) preschool hours til now. So this is a HUGE change.

I will have hours free every day to myself. I will begin (I hope) to begin to contribute to household income again. I will be able to go grocery shopping without children surfing the aisles and hanging off the cart. I will be able to do multiple errands at high speed not worrying of there will be tantrums in the aisles, falling mannequins as children play hide and seek in the women's dept., or that someone will fall asleep before we get to where we are going. I will be able to have uninterrupted thoughts!

I have spent more time with my children than anyone I know. (This is not said with an air virtuousity!) We cut out all child care for financial reasons. People with less money would have their kids in child care so they could work, people with more would have a nanny. I am in the middle, opting for some old fashioned model--one, that I might add, did not lead to happiness for my mother or Jonathan's.

I think it paid off. At this exact moment in time I love how my boys have turned out. But no resting on laurels--I may be cursing the Gods and rushing to therapy next week to talk about failures in mothering. Kids never freeze. Your job is never done.

But here I am--really on the cusp of massive change--no matter how tectonic it may be--and I am wondering if I am going to make it the last three days.

My patience is wearing thin. I am yelling at my boys more than I have in a long time. I am tired of bickering, dangerous sword fights and always saying "Careful" and "No." That is a huge part of being a mama in the city, and I don't really dig it.

I am constantly shepherding people--like a big, drooling good-natured sheepdog. And like a sheepdog--if I am not well exercised or mentally challenged I start to get a little crazy and neurotic.

I will add that I drank a little too much red wine last night to celebrate the end of a perfect summer in our little green outdoor dining room. So I am paying this morning with the darkness that comes with too much drink.

But man, I pray I do not kill a child before Tuesday.

I need a break from them, and they need a break from me. I love them, but I need a little space. I need to rejuvenate. I need to take care of myself.

So now, with three days left (this is like the last mile of the marathon) the end is in sight, and I seriously wonder if I am going to make it. My mind and will are giving out early and I am in trouble!

Does this ever happen to you?

All you mama readers, do you have any wise words for me?

Send them, please!