My Bad Post-Mortem

I did it. I survived my show at Bang.

It was terrifying, exhilarating, and WOW did it stir up a lot of weird issues for me.

I arrived clutching my papers in my hand--unsure if I would read or drop the papers and talk. I had scrawled BREATHE across the top, just as my actor/writer friend Lee had advised, and worked out really really hard, too, so I would have no energy leftover to be nervous.

But there is always more energy to be nervous--secret reserves hidden away. I walked away and immediately I was terrified. The other performers/readers were world class improv people who had trained at Second City, or had their own show at Bang on other nights, or were just hilarious as soon as you saw them--you know the types, riveting, hilarious faces with deep voices and big noses. The kind of people you know are going to make you laugh before they open their mouth, and then they do, and every single thing that comes out, even in conversation, is the funniest thing you have heard in a year.

I drank a coke, kept breathing, and madly texted Jonathan for words of comfort.

Aliza (who directed the show) walked out in a super cool saunter to the chords of "Bad to the Bone."

I should add that my anxiety levels were so high in the afternoon that I thought I might faint or destroy my marriage.

Performing, and I guess, telling a true story that is slightly shameful, on stage brought up huge issues for me. It was one of the most powerful therapeutic experiences I have done. Telling those stories on stage in that way got right to the core of what is holding me up in life.

By an hour before the show Jonathan was looking deep in my eyes and saying, "THIS is why you cannot write your novel. You feel too guilty to tell your story. You are still scared. This is really really important."

And it was.

I came out and there was a row of my wonderful friends--all actors at one time or another, mostly writers, and to a person thoughtful, sensitive, creative and wise. I saw their faces and I knew I would be OK.

When people laughed I was so thrown I didn't know what to do.

But I did it. And my fellow performers blew my mind with their honesty, hilarity and talent.

The show packed a punch in terms of emotional power. Truth-telling is always compelling.

We will see if I got addicted.