Satori!

I make no secret of it here. I am on the path to re-invention--trying to figure out what I will do next. How I will contribute to the world, and also to the financial security of my family.

So as I was winding up that gorgeous mountain road, described in previous blog post, an incredibly powerful feeling came over me. Strong, like a visitation, or a message. I am not trying to scare my non spiritual readers here. I am sure my life is so busy that any deeper thought I have simply has no time or space to bubble to the surface. Here, on this mountain road alone, I relaxed, and up it bubbled.

I should back up and say that I had lowered my standards. I actually sent out an inquiry to a health trade magazine for a job I felt grossly overqualified for. I wondered if I could stomach the bias that would come with promoting products I did not believe in, but told myself we need money, I had to try. No response, so I was spared deep thought on the subject.

But as I spun up this mountain road listening to Michael Franti and friends, who I can only describe as a musician who does positive, socially active rock. Corny sounding, but also refreshing. Hard to explain. It was Nat who had introduced me to this guy. And he has grown on me.

And suddenly I felt with conviction: I am so lucky to be alive. My friend wanted to be alive. She would have killed to have the difficult decisions I am facing now. Killed! And she would have insisted on trying to do something worthwhile in the world. Her standards were so high they may have helped kill her. But I loved her for it. I loved that she could not buy a roll of toilet paper without knowing whether it was the most environmentally gentle toilet paper around. I focus on cost and whether the toilet paper will clog up our old pipes.

I had been agonizing about which route to go: pure money, or bigger, harder, more rewarding, and definitely a job that contributes SOMEHOW in a positive way to the world--and I can see that every day. Clearly. In my work. No rationalizations necessary to convince myself of that.

And I was clear. I must stick to my ideals. This does not mean that commerce cannot enter into the plan. But I must set my sights high and aim to do good--however that turns out. It means I may not be a cog in a corporation with questionable motives. It means it is time to strike out and do my best.

Sorry to be so secretive--can't reveal more here, now. But the effect was powerful.

And two days later, when I descended into the 113 degree heat in Los Angeles, I knew I was on a path. No guarantees of success, or wild financial windfalls (tho they ARE possible) but I know the direction I need to go. For now.

Feels good.