Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thinking Small (but Real!)

When I was in Japan working for the Los Angeles Times, I studied shiatsu on the weekend. I studied with a very ordinary old man on a top floor in a typically ugly Tokyo apartment building. No temple or New Age music, or incense or Buddhas in the corner. Each Saturday I would trek to some unknown station, march through the garish mini-mall, and ride up to my teacher's floor.

The class was simple. He showed me how to do the shiatsu on his wife. Then he had me lie down to feel what it felt like. Then he had me try it on him. Mixed in with it all were many powerful lessons--about bodies, minds, life.

At the end of my class he gave me my certificate. He told me I had great talent as a healer. I could intuit the problems, and bond with the patient. Few people could do that. But, he said, I was too vulnerable to their sadness, their illness, their misery. In effect, he said, I was too open. I let everything in--the good AND the bad. But the bad weakened me. To be successful I needed to build up my walls a little, so I could walk through the world and do what I needed to do. I needed to control what I let in, so I could still feel the problems, but not let it debilitate me.

Wow.

That was my last class. But his words have stuck with me.

I know that one of my strengths as a writer is that I can intuit the feelings of people, sometimes better than they can themselves. I am empathetic to an unhealthy degree. But usually that benefits me.

But even when it is not shiatsu, the problems of the world seep into me. I read about Obama and his efforts, and the Republicans and their stubborness just to be jerks, and I feel hopeless. I read about LAUSD, and their resistance to change, at the price of the students, and I feel hopeless. I look at our economy, our environment, our city, and it all seems so messed up and tangled that I get very depressed.

I read all the newspaper on Sunday and that is how I felt. I almost took to bed.

But Jonathan, my relentlessly positive husband took me in his arms and talked to me.

He reminded me of this: Yes, perhaps the political system, the economic system, and the educational system are all F.U.B.A.R..
But I cannot dwell on that and let myself be immobilized by sorrow and depression and hopelessness, which I am prone to do. I must think small and pure. We could not change LAUSD, never, and to try to do it would have been foolish. The system must be blown up. But we could help start a charter school. And that charter school, through example, can inspire parents and challenge LAUSD, and make the intractable institutions stop and take a look. It is not changing the world, but it is making one perfect corner that gives hope to everyone who sees it, and changes the lives of those who are in it.

In the words of my shiatsu teacher, I cannot let all of that in. I must focus on what I can do, and do it.

I must see the problems of the big institutions, but I must let them be inspiration for change, not grist for immobilizing depression.

I must build my foundation so I am strong enough to not get knocked over by the bad news, so I can focus on making the small, beautiful, inspiring changes that make a difference.

I need to just start small, and beautiful, no compromises in the vision. That is all I can do.

And that is a lot.

I will look to: Alice Waters, my aunt and uncle who started the Ironman, Allison Cohen, who started a newspaper, Marya and Jay, who started our charter school, Deepak Chopra, who has changed the way we think about medicine, the woman who built OZ in the Hollywood Hills.

How about you? Is there someone doing something small, beautiful and perfect that inspires you?

Do tell!

5 comments:

Squidly said...

Today I had a massage. It was my first one in three years (at least). It was from a man and I have only ever had one other male masseuse I let near me. But, I was desperate and he offered a free half hour coupon to new customers to basically try him out. And he was down the street. So, I did. And then offered me a full hour for only 30 dollars. And he was a gift to me today. He believes this sort of therapy should be available to everyone and so his prices are reasonable even without the generous discounts he offered me today. And on his facebook page he lets the first person on Wed to post name his price. And he's kind and strong and sweet. I almost cried with gratefulness that at a moment I am missing strong male hands and am twisted with stress and illness and sadness, that this person appeared making it so easy for me to just give up my resistance to help and just RECEIVE. Even the name of his company is about giving: Community Well Massage. How about that... Small, but so, so big!

jecca said...

Oh dear, today I am needing to think big (at least in packing terms) but instead making small changes (throwing out occasional lost beads or artwork that even the most doting parents could not consider worthy of posterity), but I am thinking of you in your dilemma about What Next and how to make changes.

Paige Orloff said...

Farmers--small scale farmers raising food of all kinds with thoughtfulness and care. Small, but big.

Ilaria said...

o dear friends, i LOVE this. squidly, you are right. these small gifts to people are everything. jessica, i am going to your blog to see what is going on, and paige, your note is so big and right on for me today. a friend just asked us to be partners in a little alice waters inspired cafe. with all locally grown food. we may have to do it, tho not what i was aiming for here.

Lani said...

H,

It's bizarre how many similar experiences we've shared. I took a long certification class in shiatsu when I lived in DC and at the end of it I felt like I couldn't be a practitioner. I could feel what people needed, where their imbalance were but wasn't sure how to address it adequately. Frankly, it intimidated me to 'have the power' but not be able to use it properly. I mostly use it on myself but recently thought I should revisit it and be less self-conscious. Anyone receiving the gift of touch isn't expecting miracles, they are merely hoping to connect. I can at least offer that. Hope you're well. Namaste.