Onward and Upward

Today two eras ended.

Each is huge, and the fact that they ended on the same day is a strange feeling. As of this moment I am hurtling headlong into the future, unmoored, and a little untethered.

First, today was our last day at Canyon School. After 5 and a half years, we are done.

Yes, I will go back and visit, and probably sweep the yard and clean the bathroom for old time's sake, but I will never again be a doting, eager, coffee-drinking co-op mama, with children piled on my lap and silly songs coming out of my mouth. We have made such friends, learned so much from the fabulous unsung but immensely gifted Celia, and felt, in a deep and true way, what it is like to really raise children as a village. I won't idealize it, there has been drama and heartbreak and knock down drag out fights, but the final evidence is the children. And Canyon School churns out amazing children year after year.

I still remember when Theo's kindergarten teacher, who had two Canyon graduates in her class, ran up to me to ask where Theo had gone to preschool, because she was interested for her little one. Not possible with a teacher's schedule, but Canyon kids have a wonderful openness to learning, kindness to other kids, and a real sense of responsibility to the world, even as little ones. She noticed it, and I was proud.

And Canyon parents learn to pitch in and change the world. Canyon parents have scattered like seeds of activism to all the local schools and made a huge difference at every one. They have helped start charters, sat on boards, started gardening programs, run fundraising teams. They are a force to be reckoned with. And in little ways, they always pitch in, stand up, volunteer. Were they that way already, so they chose Canyon? Maybe. But I think Canyon teaches you that the world moves because every one does their part. They teach you to be bold in small ways, and to take responsibility for your little world. Don't whine if something makes you mad/irritated/upset. Help out.

Second, I had my last class with my favorite yoga teacher today. Tara Judelle, Hollywood Y yoga rockstar, is moving to Bali. Really, I can't believe we had her this long. She is so spectacular, I often wondered how the Y held onto her. It must be her own sense of mission, because she could go anywhere (and now she is!). She teaches Anusara yoga, and though I have never met the famous and charismatic John Friend, it is hard to believe he could top Tara.

What is it that makes her great?

I don't even know. I have talked to other unhealthy fans. We have tried to break down and analyze why she is great. She is funny. She is soulful. She is on her journey (way ahead of us) but she takes us along for the ride. She is thinking. She is uncertain. She is a contortionist. She is just awesome. Truly awesome people can never be captured completely in words, or a picture. You just have to experience them.

I am a shy student. I do not surround her at the end of class or follow her from studio to studio. We are not buddies or pals. But I know she sees me, and I am so grateful to have had her teaching and her light in my life.

I must open myself to finding a new teacher. It is time.

But endings are so hard.

Today, I planted myself right in front of her (very unlike me, but there were no spaces left so I grabbed it.) During Shivasana she reminded us that we were very open and vulnerable from our class. I sat up, and when I hugged her and said Goodbye I choked up and started crying. I was so surprised!

I wish her all the best on her journey.

And just like that--POOF! -- two huge pillars of my Mommy existence have disappeared.

What will the future hold?

What will the new pillars be?

If you know, please tell me.