I am sitting down, coffee cup in hand, to fill out an application. It is all on-line, with boxes to describe your life. The part before kids is all neat and cool, and fits so well, so impressively in the boxes. THAT was a high-achieving person. I like her. I would pick her.
The part since kids does not fit in the boxes. She has done so much, and all with such passion, but it does not fit, and there is no room to explain. And if there were, who wants to read it anyway. (There is an essay portion below where I can eloquently and elegantly weave together the narrative of my life, as one continuous strand of emotional and career growth).
And I am faced with this: Do I deny the motherhood part in the "your resumee as a series of boxes is your life" section? Do I just pretend it is not there? (That is what I am asked to do. That is how our society counts it. You can do it, but if you do, hide it, write around it, make it invisible.)
Or do I take it on, and put, right at the top: Motherhood, Self-employed, CEO, CFO, COO. In charge of a team of four employees. Laid out a vision, ran corporation (at a financial loss, but with a lot of long-term investment), trained and developed new talent...you get the idea.
I don't know what I will do yet. But I do know this: It is just brutal to turn from the cocoon of motherhood to re-entry, where none of what you have done, however important in the larger scheme, counts for anything at all. I am happy with my choices. But confronting my life as boxes (someone else's boxes) is an exercise in pain, discomfort.
That is the life of making your own choices, following your gut, being unconventional, in even a small way. But on mornings like this, as I obediently fill in the boxes to try to make some team of judging and evaluating people far away like me, I second guess myself. Or at least I wish I had operated with the looming boxes waiting for me out there in mind.
I guess all I can do is tell the truth. No massaging, no pretending, no kissing ass to tell them what they want to hear. Or what I wish I could tell them.
(Hilary continued to get double digit raises, write incredible, life-changing and award-winning stories, nurture her husband and her marriage and raise amazing, well-adjusted children. She also paints giant canvases and performs at Disney Hall in her spare time and has led volunteer efforts throughout the community. She really is a modern-day superwoman.)
Ok, I was never even close to that person.
The truth. I will write the honest truth. I never fit in the boxes anyway. Nobody does. Here goes.
December 10
8 years ago
5 comments:
Hey, you forgot the bit where you stopped the giant meteorite from striking the earth armed with an egg beater and a Dr Seuss book and it all happened right across from the Hollywood sign. Of course. As the ipod says, Hilary rocks. Admit it.
Today someone came into my office from the administration and said-- you are credentialed, everything is approved, but you need to fill in the gap between 6/2001 and 6/2002. I just wrote family leave/motherhood... though of course so much more than that. I, too, always see the holes when I am feeling anxious about work, and what I have not done in the workforce while I have been doing other things-- but really when it all is out there people tend to see what IS there rather than what is not... and then things move forward and all the richness of you will come through. Look at your accomplishments and the wisdom and experiences you bring to the world with the generous spirit they warrant... others will, too. xoxo
thank you, dear friends. you are both models of great motherhood AND personhood!!!! i just keep singing that song from RENT to myself: Take me for what I am....for what i was meant to beeeee...xoxoxo
But what is it you want to beeeee... what is the job?
Many job descriptions are about what you can do before you write where you got the experience. There are so many life skills applicable to the workplace gained from being a mother and homemaker. Learning when to let others find their own way and when to lend a helping hand is one example and the ability to delegate tasks is another.
I came to terms with many stages in my life and now as a grandmother I see how precious those harried times of motherhood were and continue to be for my children. Enjoy these times as they pass so quickly.
May I suggest you take a look at Questing Marilyn. It is my first book and shares the road to finding my Self.
I enjoyed your writing. Thank you.
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