Monday, January 12, 2009

My Theme Has Come to Me...

Sometimes I wonder if I just keep telling the same 17 stories of my life, or on my blog. But maybe retelling stories in a different way, with new perspective, and more time, is our way of digesting our lives and moving forward. So, for any reader who has been around since the beginning, forgive me if I repeat.
BUT, on my final day with my friend this summer, as I drove out of Larkspur, over the San Rafael Bridge and the sparkling San Francisco Bay, I knew deep in my heart I would not see my friend again. She was not dead, but in my heart, I felt she was leaving soon. They had told her she had six weeks to live, but she died in three days. And that afternoon we had looked deep deep into each other's eyes--she could barely talk at that point--and I knew she was saying Goodbye to me--whatever her words were. Whatever her desire.
I had spent the weekend reading to her from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, and other Buddhist works. She was surrounded by teachers and gurus who believed in the Buddhist tradition, how long to let the body lie, how long the soul hovered around, what you should talk about, what you shouldn't.
When I left I was overwhelmed with many, many emotions. But beyond the fear and pain of the loss of my friend, one rose above the rest: I had to get my spiritual shit together. I do not know what I believe. I do not practice any religion or spiritual practice. I have been alienated from Christianity by my father, and living abroad makes it hard to ever be the kind of judgemental, absolutist believer which seems required of any serious Christian. I like parts of Judaism, but I cannot be a real Jew--not one who is truly accepted by all Jews--and that in and of itself is alienating.
So what do I believe?
I don't know. But I knew, that minute, as I drove across the bridge, that I needed to know. I need to know what I believe and I need to practice and be true to that belief.
Though there are many things I hope to do this year, many hopes, many dreams, many ambitions, I know, that perhaps above else, I need to tend to my spiritual life. I do not know what form that will take--whether it will be within the confines of conventional religion, through yoga, through Buddhism, or simply through meditation or being in nature. But this year I will turn more of my energy to tending to my spiritual self. Some people need no spirituality. But for me it has always been something I felt, I needed, I sought, and I looked for. This year I need renew that search.

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